Since my last blog, you should be glad to know I have managed to stay alive and successfully age. I am now the grand age of 22.
With an extra year of experiences, my cynicism has also increased.
For example... TV adverts. I am unemployed now so watch a lot of crap TV, with crap TV comes crap adverts.
One advert that has annoyed me, I only saw today...
It is a John West advert that states if you type the code on the top of the tin into their website, then you can see exactly where that fish was taken from.
The factor that annoyed me most about this was the fact that fisherman have many other more important things to concentrate on. Its' a pretty damn dangerous job, and I would think the last thing on their minds would be to tag all these flippin' fish (no pun intended) with individual tin codes.
I scoffed at the advert thinking that nobody would bother doing this anyway, most peoples concerns when buying tinned fish is not, where the fish came from, but to where it is going, which is from the tin and inside their mouths. However, when trying to research this little paragraph of cynicism, I attempted to go on the John West website, to which I am getting the message "Problem loading page". I can only assume this is due to the sheer mighty volume of people now trying to locate the original place of their fish. So my sincerest of apologies goes out to Mr. West. Sorry dude.
I think perhaps it is only fair the fish get something similar. They can be given codes by wildlife conservationists, these codes link to the location of different fishing boats, and when they come near, the fish can swim the hell out of there and instead have salmon chanted evenings. BA DUM DUM CHA! Yay for puns.
Another annoying advert is at the courtesy of Debenhams.
A woman clad in Debenhams sale clothing, leaves what I assume is the previously stated shop with a friend. The woman pauses, and to her total non surprise, a cute man with a two seater bicycle has been waiting for her. He smiles at her in that "I own a two seater bicycle, hop on cutie" kind of way. The woman dressed in new bought clothing, (I presume with the tags still attached in case the man found her to look cheap and nasty) then waves to her friend and rejects her for the indie boy with an extra bicycle seat.
If the incentive of the advert is to make women think that if they walk out wearing their sale catalogue, cute guys will wait outside with various method of transport that couples can use, then fair enough. When I next come out of Debenhams I expect a cute guy wearing the top end of a two person horse costume to smile at me subtly, wanting me to be his other half, in both meanings.
Talking about attracting the opposite sex, something else that has changed in real life and in the Facebook world, is my relationship status.
"Sheila Lord is now single."
I think there should be multiple versions of this status for the various types of reactions people receive or want from it.
"So and so is now single - and no, she doesn't want to talk about it, so leave her the fuck alone until she emerges from her duvet cave."
"So and so is now single. - she wants all her friends to leave various comments asking if she is OK so she can outpour all her emotions in one giant comment"
"So and so is now single. - and is now looking for a quickie which she think will resolve her problems but will ultimately make her feel worse. So and so is probably aware of this."
"So and so is now single - one of her besties needs to buy wine and pizza and come round and bitch with her about men, make her laugh when she is crying and make her eat Ben and Jerry's, meanwhile making the predictable joke they are the only two men she will ever ever need ."
I would have chosen the last status option :)
Break ups suck but single life, once adjusted, really is quite freeing, I realised I haven't been properly single in a long while and it's actually nice concentrating on myself for once. Due to single life I have found the following has happened...
Here are things I find myself doing more:
- Talking to myself
- Talking to others
- Talking to others about how all men suck
(Now by all men, I don't mean "all men", because most of my best friends are men, but a certain percentage of men are douches, as are women... but I shall be addressing that in more detail later)
- Actively trying to look like some sort of attractive being
- Watching more of Dave before bed (the channel, not a man who lives opposite leaving his curtains slightly ajar)
- Actually going out and actively finding things I have not yet done. I recently paid my first ever visit to London Zoo and am soon to be flying out on my first ever trip to Amsterdam!
On the contrary, here are the things I find myself doing less:
- Ignoring my friends... sad fact of life is when I am in a relationship, I don't see my friends as much as I should.
- Playing Mortal Kombat, something that upsets me greatly
- Being paranoid of my actions as a girl, and in conjunction with that...
- Being an emotional wreck...
(here comes the bit about woman douches...)
I am a woman, it is therefore programmed into me to read into every little thing a guy I like does...
I, as hopefully an advanced 2.0 make of woman, tries to recognise the instabilities of my stupidly wired brain... it looks similar to those activity tables you used to find in doctor receptions. Google it. You'll agree.
While I am able to recognise the crazyness of my reactions, it does not mean I hold the ability to stop it.
For example:
... when a fat stranger falls over, my brain recognises I should not laugh until the said person is out of ear shot, still, something in my brain makes me erupt with laughter when they are directly in front of me, face first on the pavement. You try to control it, however, fucked up doctor receptionist toy brain won't have any of that... You're laughing at a fat guy while they're down... blocking the rest of your destined walk.
So yeah, I may recognise I am being an irrational, "Heeeere's Johhny" type of woman, axeing my way through any kind of rationality door... I however can't often stop it, or admit it. Deal with it...Thanks.
So... now we have established that bitches be crazy and certain 2012 adverts annoy me... I shall leave you until my next out pour, which will probably be next year.
Toodle pip cynicisers! x
