Thursday 19 January 2012

This blog is about gaming, my very limited knowledge of gaming (It references Halo and Mortal Kombat... just thought I'd warn you).

Last Monday I played a gig in London. I went on my own, and after sound checking sat at a table by myself. I had my phone stuck to my hand and it's screen fixed to Facebook.

However, a nice guy approached me and said:

"your voice is sik bruv, just had to tell ya!"

I'm not 100% taking the piss, it was really nice of him to come over, but whenever someone speaks to me with those sort of words, I suddenly feel like I should mimic it, and when I wisely don't, the words that do come out seem so pronounced and posh:

I probably replied with something like:
"Aw, thanks for saying so"

But in my head I heard:
"Why thank you kind sir, your compliments have been heard and are highly appreciated."

There was a bit of an awkward silence, I looked back to Facebook. No new notifications. His friend then came over and they started talking about the game Sky Rim.

My ears pricked up... I could kind of contribute to this conversation... I said:

"I was thinking of buying my boyfriend SkyRim"

He says:
"Guuuuuuuurl, if you buy him SkyRim, you gunna be single for montts, he aint gunna ave time to to see youuuu, I got tree hours sleep last night cos of dat game bruv!"

I wanted to reply:
"yea boii, you get me cos I wana treat im all nice and shiiit an I erd the gams sik but if e ain't gunna see me den nooo way blud!!"

...

I didn't reply like that, but we did get into a conversation about gaming. I realised at this point that because of my current and previous boyfriends, I actually have a small amount of knowledge about gaming.

For example... I know that at most games... I am a n00b, and therefore not 1337!

For those of you who don't understand this:

noob means you're crap

1337 i.e Leet i.e Elite, means your fecking awesome.

The word n00b brings back a memory of my first boyfriend who attempted to get me into Halo. It didn't work. I tried but I literally was one of those people who ended up staring at the floor or the ceiling (take your pick) wandering in circles and not being able to crouch jump for the life of me. This said boyfriend was so obsessed that at one fancy dress party, we spent days gluing cardboard together creating the armour of Master Chief and he modified a motorbike helmet complete with working light and switch to complete his costume.

As he was going as Master Chief... I went as Cortana.

For those of you who don't know who or what she is, Cortana is a blue hologram lady with not much left to the imagination. Google her! What I will tell you is I needed a light blue catsuit and a dark blue fabric pen and not much else!

I've never actually owned a console, the only thing I have ever owned is a gameboy advance, yet due to friends I have enjoyed Grand Theft Auto and runninng over defenseless pedestrians, I have enjoyed hitting zombies with benches in Dead Rising and recently decapitating fighters in Mortal Kombat.

All of the above makes me sound like a very violent person =/

I have come to the conclusion that if I was brought up with game consoles that I would not now have a life, but I have also realised, I think, given the chance, I'd be very good at it. For the last few months I have been in a relationship with someone who has introduced me to the wonders of the Playstation 3... I will now admit to you that the entirety of this blog has just been one massive ploy to get someone to buy me a that console, so I can continue to "FINISH HIM" with a "FATALITY" and perhaps get a "FLAWLESS VICTORY".

So please,

PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE!

for my sake, buy me a PS3!

Toodle Pip,

Sheila x


Wednesday 11 January 2012

Brian Blessed in the Eighties, an amphibian and missing home.



At the beginning of the week, I went to Kingston-upon-Thames for a few days. I spent one of those days with a best friend of mine. She is a curly haired American with the same depressing humour as me. We've spent many hours in a coffee shop, sipping on some hot beverage discussing the following topics:

-Why skin coloured leggings exist - at all? They have no desirable or practical purpose.

- Why it seems every time we have found a quiet spot in the library, a massive group of loud, outrageous students will sit at a computer next to us and discuss how Sheniqua was waaaaaaasted last night bruv!

I actually quote this word for word from a student sitting next to me:

"Yeah that all good bruv but I'm hitting it up to second floor now innit to do maths"

Me: (silently inside)

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

Anyway me and my curly haired friend had decided to go to the National Archives. A place where you can view over 11 million historical documents. We had never been there before so walk through the entrance completely confused about what we are meant to do next.

We walk up to a reception desk to be served by someone I can only describe as a guy who resembled the merging of Hugh Grant and a cod. We didn't know if he was somehow beautiful or just an intimidating amphibian! He directs us to the second floor desk where we meet the next crazy National Archive resident.

At the desk were two people, on the right there was a Chinese lady who looked perfectly normal, on the left was a Man with a grey curly mullet tied into a ponytail.

We get served by him.

The room is completely silent and my friend almost whispers:

"I'd like to take out some documents please..."

He responds by talking with the volume and vigour of Brian Blessed.

"WELL IF YOU SIT AT THE COMPUTER OVER THERE..."

I was there for support really, I didn't need to view any documents and a pretty bench outside surrounded by geese, ducks and swans had my name on it. I still had my journal and pen in hand, eighties Brian Blessed turned to me and said:

"You aren't allowed pens."

I said:
"Oh I'm not taking any documents out, I'm sitting outside after this."

He responds:
"You still aren't allowed pens"

He points behind me

"There are lockers there for you to put it in"

So I have to walk over to a locker and place my journal and pen inside it for the ten minutes while my friend books her documents at the computer.

After this wacky day at The National Archives, I wander around London and remember truly how much I've missed it. I go to the V & A museum and view an exhibition on post modernism, then next stop St. James Park. It was already dark so I could only make out the silhouettes of ducks while I walked through. I hear Big Ben strike six times, walk through Parliament Square, see the Millennium Wheel in the distance and cross the road towards it. I take this picture and sit by the river.




In front of me the wheel turns peacefully, some boats sail past, behind me Embankment Station bustles and cars are tooting, their engines in overdrive. It feels like I'm in two different places at once.

When I came back to Essex a few days later, I didn't actually feel that bad. I'd started to miss home which on most counts doesn't happen, normally by the time the train has reached Stratford I start to see the familiar Essex stereotypes and want to turn back around, but it was sunny, and I was actually looking forward to stepping off the train at Southend Victoria.

London only stays appealing to me because I don't drown myself in it, because I was not brought up there, because it is so different from Southend-on-sea.

But sometimes, although I don't often admit it, it's fun to come back to a town where 'the nutter on the bus' will sit next to me, where it is normal to see a preaching christian, surrounded by emo's at the top of the high street and a clown overdue for retirement in the middle. Southend is crazy but full of character, and I wouldn't be this cynical or even be able to write this blog without those sorts of things.

Quite a sentimental ending I suppose...

Right I'm off to town to buy and then eat my weight in chocolate!

Toodle Pip!

x

Tuesday 3 January 2012

It is 2012... so I've been told.

Word on the street is that 2011 is so last year. It has been status galore with dedications to an amazing 2011 (me included) or the alternative "do one 2011". People have been standing in doorways, checking their watches and tutting while 2011 packs his lonely bags, and before he's even had a chance to watch Jools Holland bust out a piano solo, 2012 has face palmed 2011, sat down on his couch, hand in pants with a bag of nachos with an arm round 2011's better half.

2012 shouts:

''get a beer love, the fireworks are about to start"

2011 leaves in the pouring rain while All by Myself plays softly in the background.

"...When I was young,
I never needed anyone..."

I did watch the fireworks as it goes and watched as millions of pounds burst into flames and smoke! I think a better start to the year would have been putting that money into something that actually counts. Here goes a "world peace" speech but as pretty as they were that money could have been put to much better use. For example, it could have gone to Davina's charity for the Ch4 Mash Up's Million Pound Drop. Her final question was:

"Which age group had the most babies in 2010, 29 and under or 30 and over"

Davina's remaining £50,000 pounds went down the 30 and over shoot as she ignored Jeremy Kyle's famous words of advice to every male aged 29 and under...

"YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!!"

I also watched the new live TV show The Bank Job, where George Lamb gets a buff looking man to put those muscles to good use by opening tiny boxes containing various amounts of cash. I'm not sure what the purpose of it being live or set in a real bank was. It wasn't realistic really, there was not a long queue of people looking at a screen waiting for the pre-recorded voice of "Window number 7 please" to speak, and no old dear staring blankly at envelopes only to find she's forgotten who the letter was for.

Back to New Year...another aspect of the New Year is the resolutions...
I don't think I've ever made one, not because I don't believe I can't improve but because it's effort thinking of any particular thing to do. In all honesty I have no preconceptions of what I think 2012 will hold, for now I shall simply try my best in what is a very unpredictable world.

I shall return shortly with a new blog but right now 2012 is demanding a six pack of beer for his back to back Top Gear episodes.

Untill next time...

Toodle Pip x