Thursday, 7 September 2017

Noel Fielding's Future Bakers

I've not been an avid follower of Bake Off, but I did tune in to watch Ch4 premiere their take on the show.

I was intrigued by Noel Fielding's presenting style, he spoke in the hushed tones of a child playing hide and seek. Perhaps he wasn't actually meant to be there at all, he just wanted to quietly offer advice to people before the production team discovered him and escorted him away:

"Don't tell them you forgot to squeeze the courgettes" 

"I see you Noel, now f*** off and stop using all our squirty cream!"

I long for an alternative universe where Naboo is a judge and Bollo the gorilla is trying desperately to make a batch of chocolate mini rolls. Tony Harrison asks him how he's feeling about it, and the whole show ends with Vince Noir and Howard Moon doing a futuristic rhyme to techno music:

Future bakers
We're future bakers
Electronic cake tin
Digital oven mit
Cyborg sponge cake
Tell me what you dream of
Future bakers
Oh yeah!

Those of you who are unaware of The Mighty Boosh, feel safe in the knowledge that all of the above will be gibberish to you, but be aware, that's probably my finest work since my creative writing degree.

I had not seen much of the series before when it was delivered by the BBC, and was surprised that 'illusion cake' are two words used in conjunction

I wanted so badly not to like it, I could hear my father say: why would you want a cake in the shape of a sandwich?

My father already complains that burgers are not served in buns, because buns have currants or are topped with icing. It is an inherent need of his to voice this each time we get one.

Burgers are served in baps! He says frustratedly.

I know dad, I know.

The illusion cakes were spectacular though, when one older lady produced a cake in the shape of a watermelon, complete with red sponge and chocolate chips, I was in awe. I am too selfish to cook that way. If I had the ability to bake a watermelon, I would Instagram the shit out of it and nobody would be allowed to eat it.

I genuinely said to my partner:

"If you're an artist and you paint, or a musician and you record a song, you have an end product you get to keep. But with cooking... You work so hard and with such precision and then at the end of it all, it just gets f****** eaten!!"

In no other creative hobby does something you make literally turn to shit. So I applaud creative cooks, I thank you for your selflessness. I am your willing friend in eating all your creations, and if you fancy coming to mine for dinner, I promise it tastes better than it looks.

Talking of creative hobbies, you can probably tell I'm trying to get back into them. I've written a lot of words here, I've picked up my guitar a few times and I sing along to the radio. So while this post is particularly short (some may also say sweet), I plan to pen more ridiculousness very soon.

Until then... enjoy some sailors, the futuristic kind!

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